Going Back

Today I’m going back. Going back to a hard place. A place that represents loss, fear, shock and unknown. I go with a few tears and some anxiety, but I’m going… 

A little over a year ago I was on vacation with my family in Colorado. We had been in town for one glorious sunny Mountain filled day. We hiked through Garden of the Gods and toured the lovely Broadmoor Hotel. We ate ice cream and enjoyed being together, off our phones, in such a beautiful setting. The day was perfect. After a long day outside we went to bed easily and dreamed of what adventures tomorrow might bring. 

Early the next morning I woke to my phone ringing. Still half asleep I reached for the phone and answered it. “Brooks”, my sister said, “dad had a heart attack and died in his sleep”  

At that moment I collapsed in disbelief. My head swirled with all sorts of thoughts. “What? This couldn’t be? I’m not home? I didn’t get to see him? I don’t know what to do next.”

Luckily my husband was a few steps away and caught me and held me tight. The next several hours were a blur as we woke the children and told them grandpa had passed. I felt numb as we changed our plans and bought a ticket for me to fly home immediately. 

I don’t remember much else until I arrived at the airport. I checked in, alone, and began to really feel what was happening. As I sat and waited to board the plane I was overcome with emotion. Who are all these people and where are they going? Do they know I am going home to bury my dad? I wanted to scream, cry,and tell everyone around me. But I didn’t. I couldn’t tell anyone. So I sat, for two hours. I waited, I watched, I openly cried, I listened to the conversations around me. In those two hour I think I was the most present I have ever been. There was a song by Cory Asbury that kept rolling through my head.. the chorus goes like this, The overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God. Oh it chases me down, fights till I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine”

All day that song rang in my head. I couldn’t get it out. Overwhelming, never ending, reckless love. It was as if God was pursuing me in that dark moment. As my world came to a halt there were the words, strong and confident. God was pursuing me, constantly, recklessly, intentionally pursuing me. I felt so many things that day. What I remember most is pain, loss, and love all wrapped up and tangled together. 

So I’m going back. Back to the airport, back to the mountains, back to the memory. It hurts a bit. It brings up some pain. But it also brings up a time of feeling crazy cared about by God. A time of being loved, held, carried. Despite the circumstances somehow I knew God had me, and despite your circumstances, He’s got you too. 

What places can you look back on and  see that God was carrying you?

What experiences can you now see Gods hand in? Can you remember not just the pain but the feeling of being held as well?

“There’s no shadow you won’t light up

Mountain you won’t climb up

Coming after me.

There’s no wall you won’t kick down

Lie you won’t  tear down

Coming after me.

He. Pursues. You. Relentlessly.

2 thoughts on “Going Back

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